


Just Not That Steady Yet

by cheersmdear



Series: Flower in a Hailstorm [1]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24009595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheersmdear/pseuds/cheersmdear
Summary: The date has been set for months, her suitcase is ready in the hallway - Rae Earl is leaving Stamford to start a new chapter of her life in Bristol. But before she leaves, there's someone she has to say goodbye to.Set the day before the final scene of My Mad Fat Diary.This is the prequel to my story "Flower in a Hailstorm".The title is from "Not Ready Yet" by Eels.
Relationships: Rae Earl/Finn Nelson
Series: Flower in a Hailstorm [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731577
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	Just Not That Steady Yet

Thursday, September 10, 1998

It had been two months since the Leavers’ Ball, and Rae had thrown herself into the preparation of her move to Bristol. Time had flown by, and all the nights out had melted into one big memory of the most emotional summer of her life. She couldn’t count the nights she had spent crying in her room, reading her old diaries and reminiscing about how much her life had changed in just two years. She had also tried her hardest to remember how she felt back then. Because as much as she was grateful for the opportunity of a fresh start, the uncomfortable feeling in her chest was making it more and more difficult to breathe.  
It was this overwhelming feeling that everything was about to change – which she knew, and she didn’t need reminding. The problem was that the night of the Leavers’ Ball had left her feeling invincible and ready for a new chapter, and the following two months had been kind of a setback. The more she walked the streets of Stamford, knowing they would no longer feel like home, the more she hated the idea of not having a little memory attached to every park and every bench of the city she would be living in just the next day.  
A million questions were spinning in her head, in a maddening cycle – could she handle it? Would she be good enough? Would she make new friends? Would she get used to her new life?

When, the day before, her mum had called her downstairs to tell her that Finn was on the phone, she had considered pretending to be asleep. He was the one subject she had been avoiding, both with other people and with herself. Two months ago, it had seemed like an almost easy decision, to break up with him. Because she knew that he would still be here and that they would still be spending time together – almost as if nothing had happened. He would still be hers and she would still be his, just for a little longer.  
The real break up was happening today. They had agreed to meet up in the park where they had spent a lot of time together with the gang, except this time, it was to say goodbye. Rae had already spent the night wide awake, trying to imagine the scene in her head, and thinking about the logistics of getting back home while crying on the street.  
She didn’t regret her decision. She still thought fondly about all the memories they had made as a couple, and the emotional rollercoaster that had led to the beginning (and end, and new beginning) of their relationship. But she also knew that it wasn’t fair to him to keep going while she still had things to figure out about herself. She needed to learn how to handle things on her own, before she could ask for someone to be by her side.

But seeing him all summer hadn’t been easy, especially after the Leavers’ Ball. Every time their eyes met, she could see the irrepressible hope he still had. Seeing the bitter sweetness in his eyes was like hearing him ask for a last kiss all over again, and each time she was closer to saying yes. Being reasonable was always easier when he wasn’t sitting across from her, the weight of everything they had shared floating between them, while the others messed around.  
And nothing could have prepared her for the sight of him sitting alone on their favourite bench, looking in the distance and biting his nails. She felt the urgency of her departure pulling her away from him, but she soldiered on and plopped herself cheerfully on the bench, startling him.

‘Afternoon,’ he started, his voice cracking up a little.  
‘Afternoon,’ she echoed.

They sat silently for another minute. Rae was trying to find the right words, but the moment was too meaningful, and nothing she could say would ever be enough. She was surprised to hear herself sob out loud, not realising how long she had stopped breathing. Finn was quick to wrap his arms around her, and she melted in his embrace. They hadn’t hugged in months; afraid it would mean too much.  
When she sat up straight, he reached into the inside pocket of his jacket for a tissue, which he handed her. His hair had got so long that you almost couldn’t see his earring anymore. Rae almost made a comment about it, before remembering that there were more important issues to tackle.

‘So, you wanted to see me,’ she mumbled, wiping her nose and looking away.  
‘You didn’t?’  
‘I’m here, aren’t I?’ She tried to smile, but the corners of her mouth drooped down.

He smiled weakly and shrugged. Rae saw him clenching his jaw and his fringe-covered eyes filling with tears. She had never seen him cry and she didn’t know how to deal with it, so she allowed him to regain his composure by going through her backpack. Once she found the piece of paper she was looking for, she took a deep breath and handed it to him.

‘This is the address to my new flat,’ she explained in a cheerful but trembling voice, ‘you can write to me. I’m expecting new music suggestions at least every month, just so I know your taste in music doesn’t turn to shit,’ she joked, trying desperately to get a smile out of him.  
‘I can’t promise there won’t be some reggae.’  
‘I’m used to it by now.’

She knew it was a bad idea to refer to things they had shared together, like all the times he had forced her to listen to reggae because he was hoping it would grow on her – and it had – or maybe it was more about how euphoric he looked when she recognised a song. She knew she couldn’t erase the past two years of her life, and she couldn’t downplay how important he had been to her, no matter how hard she tried.

‘There’s only you, you know?’ he finally said, his voice strained by the lump in his throat.  
‘Finn…’  
‘No, hear me out. I’ll be there, always. When you’ll have me back, I’ll be there.’  
‘Don’t say that,’ she sniffled, ‘it’s not fair to you to make you wait. You have to move on.’  
‘I could try, but I know I can’t do it. I’ll always love you, Mae.’

She laughed weakly when she heard her nickname, but it hurt like someone had reached inside her rib cage and squeezed her heart as tightly as they could. She hoped he understood that she couldn’t answer. She couldn’t say it, because it would make it all seem pointless. And for a moment, she wondered if it was. Couldn’t they figure everything out together? She allowed herself to imagine, for a second, them living together in Bristol. Her going to classes all day, him going to work, and then coming back home together. It hurt even more when she shook her head to bring herself back to the real world. She let his words sink in for another minute, and then she smiled at him.

‘I’m sure you’ll be top of your class,’ he said playfully.  
‘I appreciate the confidence.’  
‘Always,’ he searched for her eyes and took her hand. ‘So, I guess this is it?’  
‘This is it,’ she swallowed painfully. ‘Goodbye, Finn Nelson.’  
‘Goodbye, Rae Earl.’

She was the one to initiate the hug this time, inhaling and closing her eyes as he stroked her back. She leaned back and he sat up straight. She ignored the fact that she could barely see through her tears and got up. She turned around to wave at him one last time, and started making her way home, eventually stopping to catch her breath.

**Author's Note:**

> After I rewatched the final series of My Mad Fat Diary for the third time (I had been avoiding it, though the other two series have been seen and analysed a fair amount of times), I spent the night with red and puffy eyes. I felt so empty because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to the characters, and I wasn't happy with how certain storylines ended (*cough* Rinn *cough*). So I decided to write what happens next, following Rae's move to Bristol. I don't know how far I'm gonna go, but I'm just happy to revisit the characters of this show that means the world to me. It IS canon compliant, because it's the only way for me to accept the ending of the show and move on.
> 
> So, this is a prequel, because I felt like this scene was missing from the final episode. I could have included the whole gang, but of course this story will focus a lot on Finn and Rae's relationship, so I thought I would set the scene. I know it's sad, but it gets better.
> 
> Feel free to comment if you see any mistake (English isn't my first language), or if you like/don't like something - I'm trying to improve my writing.
> 
> Enjoy!


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